The Anatomy of Urgency

For the past few days, or weeks even, I have been greeted, as the sun rises or in the middle of the day or close  to falling asleep, with a perplexed thought wandering around the space inside of my skull, wondering where my words have gone. I used to spend hours upon hours with words seemingly flowing gracefully through my veins and finding there way to escape from my being via my fingertips. The confusion I have been facing as of late is almost discomforting, as I find my mind hovering in the dark grey backround of space behind my latest painting of a skeleton... the confusion mixed with the overwhelming amount of unending support and care from loved ones and even strangers, yet.. my brain is beyond what even I am able to understand. My relationships remain somewhat the same, I suppose. However, as "normal" and healthy as my outward appearance is being portrayed, I have been shaken on the inside in many different aspects. Words don't come nearly as easily as they once did, thoughts take their sweet time to form.. if they ever do. I am grateful and loving toward everyone, yet I am interrupted each day with an uncomfortable sense of frustration... frustration in the way I was living my life, and how easily others continue to do so, the frustration and irritation come so quickly that my thoughts don't have time to rationalize how unfair the emotions seem to be, when I am the only one on the front line. Based on injury and hardly noticeable deficits, I feel hung out to dry on a close line, dangling in an array of sheets and underpants and shirts: my deficits are so mild that I am able to function seemingly close-to "normal"- I have a sense of guilt in the realm of severely injured TBI survivors... based on my capability of communicating and functioning in day-to-day activities. I have a frustration amongst my closest friends, while they live their lives just as I was living my own - unaware of the importance of things [TAKING CARE of our/themselves], and while I DO have a second chance at life and have faced death yet was unwilling to welcome it, I find myself covered with an overwhelming sense of "what am I going to do" when it comes to continuing my education and figuring out what to do with the rest of my life... which before, I never thought twice about.
I feel alone. I am not as severe as the typical TBI survivor, yet I am engulfed in the world of them which has led me to have a great understanding of the importance of appreciating life and my abilities, as well as the importance of protecting the health of every part of my body, most importantly my brain. I can't expect others to fully grasp this importance, but I am beginning to find a sense of purpose to spread this message: PROTECT YOUR BRAIN. Lead a healthy lifestyle so that you are capable of fulfilling the many, fantastic and unique abilities that you, and only you, possess TO THE VERY BEST IN WHICH YOU ARE ABLE!!!!!