higher

Comparing the stiffness of my left foot, the way it feels like a block of wood, to the incredible miracle of life and every human being's ability to breathe and feel.
My whole life I had thought that I had arms, under the largest organ they were bones that I had seen on a skeleton representing the anatomy of every human being.

I have learned, after wanting to die, trying to die, unconsciously fighting to live, surviving, inspiring, and flying. These two arms that I thought I've had since I was born are actually wings. Like an eagle's. Full, but modest. Powerful, but graceful.

Not knowing they were ever there, I gave them no reason to spread and lift me.
With this revelation, I am up in an air current, miles above the soil, miles above the tree tops. With elegance, modesty, and determination, I am flying.

I am finding new landscapes, I am believing new things.

I am living the most miraculous; the life of a human being.

The Anatomy of Urgency

For the past few days, or weeks even, I have been greeted, as the sun rises or in the middle of the day or close  to falling asleep, with a perplexed thought wandering around the space inside of my skull, wondering where my words have gone. I used to spend hours upon hours with words seemingly flowing gracefully through my veins and finding there way to escape from my being via my fingertips. The confusion I have been facing as of late is almost discomforting, as I find my mind hovering in the dark grey backround of space behind my latest painting of a skeleton... the confusion mixed with the overwhelming amount of unending support and care from loved ones and even strangers, yet.. my brain is beyond what even I am able to understand. My relationships remain somewhat the same, I suppose. However, as "normal" and healthy as my outward appearance is being portrayed, I have been shaken on the inside in many different aspects. Words don't come nearly as easily as they once did, thoughts take their sweet time to form.. if they ever do. I am grateful and loving toward everyone, yet I am interrupted each day with an uncomfortable sense of frustration... frustration in the way I was living my life, and how easily others continue to do so, the frustration and irritation come so quickly that my thoughts don't have time to rationalize how unfair the emotions seem to be, when I am the only one on the front line. Based on injury and hardly noticeable deficits, I feel hung out to dry on a close line, dangling in an array of sheets and underpants and shirts: my deficits are so mild that I am able to function seemingly close-to "normal"- I have a sense of guilt in the realm of severely injured TBI survivors... based on my capability of communicating and functioning in day-to-day activities. I have a frustration amongst my closest friends, while they live their lives just as I was living my own - unaware of the importance of things [TAKING CARE of our/themselves], and while I DO have a second chance at life and have faced death yet was unwilling to welcome it, I find myself covered with an overwhelming sense of "what am I going to do" when it comes to continuing my education and figuring out what to do with the rest of my life... which before, I never thought twice about.
I feel alone. I am not as severe as the typical TBI survivor, yet I am engulfed in the world of them which has led me to have a great understanding of the importance of appreciating life and my abilities, as well as the importance of protecting the health of every part of my body, most importantly my brain. I can't expect others to fully grasp this importance, but I am beginning to find a sense of purpose to spread this message: PROTECT YOUR BRAIN. Lead a healthy lifestyle so that you are capable of fulfilling the many, fantastic and unique abilities that you, and only you, possess TO THE VERY BEST IN WHICH YOU ARE ABLE!!!!!

Brains and Rib Cages

I am sitting here in my sunroom listening to peepers sing in the warm spring evening and thinking through memories of my younger years that were  filled with despair. When I was young a dark shadow breathed sorrow into my soul; waking up each day became a hassle which I would groan away, I had a hallow world inside of my heart and cold blood flowing through my veins that made me shiver therefore I searched not for fullness of life but ways to take me to a tightrope or cliff edges, anything to potentially release my being from the pain that I was constantly feeling. Now, within the past 2 years my world turned around.. I picked flowers from the ground and experienced the beauty of laughter. I pushed myself physically, mentally, and emotionally and have revealed to myself the strength that I have always possessed. Day by day my happiness increased by just a smidgen.
3 years after my spirits just began rising, I took a ride on a bicycle in Athens, Ohio with my dear friend Zach Roller on St. Patrick's Day, 2012 in the sunshine riding up and down hills... the ride ended in me losing control, flipping over the handlebars and landing on the pavement headfirst. My brain hit the two sides of my skull like a bouncy-ball causing severe bleeding and swelling; traumatic brain injury caused the left side of my body to become temporarily paralyzed as well as significant loss and damage in memory/thinking abilities and my rib cage crushed onto the pavement nearly collapsing my lungs. This subdural hematoma as well as lung injury should have killed my 20 year old being, but I unconsciously pulled through and didn't surrender to this easy way out of living life.
Today, one month and a day after I fell, I feel this warm blanket of peace not only covering my shoulders and legs but seeping into my veins and organs... I am fortunate to be alive, blessed to have multiple challenges to rise to, and absolutely thrilled to create with the beauty of  the unique personality that I have to offer the world. Each day is a gift and each moment of laughter is a time of joy and pleasure that I never turn down taking part in. The best advice I have ever been given was a year or two ago from my mother Ruth when she said: "Never be a victim. You have the ability to conquer and rise to take care of yourself, you don't need others to do the work for you and you never want to blame another for the situations that you're put in" and my goodness has that advice stuck with me and especially now it has positively effected my mood. I am in bed with a splint on my dominant right arm, no close friends near by and a cane at my side for every walk to another room, yet I am able to create art with my left hand and look out at green grass and beautiful trees and listen to wonderful night creatures singing me lullaby's. I am alive and I am whole in my own being: able to wake up each morning ready to conquer the day in all of it's uncertainty, I am able to respond kindly to others and offer compassion and care and kindness in an effort to positively effect the universe of which I owe and desire to give the best of myself to. I have this beautiful gift of LIFE to be a part of and within the last month I have realized that with each and every day I have a beautiful opportunity to go through all of it in an effort to be THE ABSOLUTE BEST human being that I can possibly be. It is SO exciting to have this chance and never again will I take it for granted. I love being alive today, I can say with such confidence and joy that, through drastic circumstances I am the happiest I have ever been in my life so far. I have seen the beauty in humanity and the strength of friendship and bonds through love, compassion, and sincere kindness. My heart is full of love and my brain overflows each day with new insights and creative ideas. I am not a victim, I am blessed beyond words. I have blank canvases in my sun room to CREATE and I am absolutely ecstatic to continue doing so. Thank you:)

The amount of love that I feel for so many people is filling my chest to the umpth level right now, from my closest friends to my family members to people I don't know too well or have lost contact with to my co workers to my nurses and therapists. I truly can feel a tug inside of my chest where my heart is, and my eyes are tired and beginning to fill with fresh tears. My broken thumb feels snug and my left leg feels stronger because my physical therapist has worked it every day, and my head feels tired yet clear because I'm getting back my thoughts and memory and insight, I also feel my arms reaching out to grasp a loved one tightly and my head is begging for a shoulder to curl on just to show you all that I thank you for being here while I've needed you and I love you from my depths. I want to lie in green grass with the sun on my back and smell the soil and sob tears of absolute joy for being ALIVE. Thank you a thousand times over. You can't even begin to imagine how much love.

Think about a time where you physically had strain on your body in order to get to a destination. Think about when you physically had to push yourself, you had to sweat and maybe cringe or shed a tear or yell out in pain or discomfort. Think about that time and think about not only the relief or the satisfaction that you had in yourself after you completed the task, but relive that sense of confidence that pulsated in your body. You can do anything. When your heart gets broken, you can persevere. When you feel disappointed you can keep going and take it as a lesson in recognizing another person's actions. When you feel hopeless you can imagine and strive toward the comfort of a sleeping bag after a long day's work. When you feel confused you can push yourself to be content in the uncertainty. You have every ounce of ability that you need to get through anything. You can take care of yourself, recognize your resources, and be proud. Keep going, don't stop, and smile along the way. You've done it before so keep pushing yourself. 

i miss my puppy so much

pulse

Stop the thoughts 

Not forceful, but surface what is important

bubbling like a geiser, steaming and full of emptiness

Bliss.

Nature doesn't play games; 

she works in ways that can never be tamed

everything falling into place

When vision is blurred and light is lost

table corners and rose bushes jabbing at your side 

scratching your legs

Don't forget: all wounds heal.

Revealed to you is a new day

each morning an element of surprise

a mystery and a gift

24 hours 1,440 minutes 86,400 seconds

to breathe

create

laugh

We are examining many different possibilities

We are pushing further into space

Realizing the greatness 

of escaping from generalizations

Let stereotypes confuse you

don't accept understanding 

the 

one 

narrow 

road 

of normality 

that we all must take

Do backflips and summersaults through unpaved ways

Fly in a tornado behind underwater caves

Let altruism exist

Selflessness in sharing a belief 

in fully caring for the souls

Embrace the vibrations of energy you possess

Caress your loved ones 

with drum beats 

and harp strings 

from melodies within your Being

Slide and glide like a ballerina figure skater 

through each day 

all moments sewn together 

with the fabric of emptiness

Nothing but bliss

Invisible comfort 

from a quilt of complete Oneness

Believe in the state you are in

whether captivated by the shackles of your mind 

Entrapped in a game of isolation and false pride

Or sing from the depths 

of the formless that you are

In pure harmony with the birds 

and swift brush of paint on a canvas 

representing the great opportunities 

that each day presents 

In no way can I compromise my feelings

to believe in the theory that every being

is alive only to survive on selfish nature

giving only to receive.

No, it doesn't work for me

not after this structure vanished

and Love encompassed

a year of energy

No, when thoughts are built on fantasies

and self becomes form through unattainable desire

and physical states ache for days

and finally the sun returns

and lungs breathe and lean as soft ferns

the mind falls behind

intuition and a swollen heart exhale 

raw beauty

innocence from the first glance

Acceptance as a last chance

right in time to understand the sincerity 

of wishing the best

simply to wish the best

Giving with no intent

to receive

Unconditional

unbreakable

untamable as the wind

We are too great

too much potential lies within

for us to limit 

and settle in narcissism

Because Love is patient

and Love is kind

it is never jealous

or boastful

or conceited

It is never rude

or selfish

Live and let be

Love and do what you will

As the wind blows and as water flows

don't close your mind body and soul to the valuable gift

of loving as love comes

Feeling it flow and whirl 

twist and curl up inside of your soul

like a storm that, always before, feels calm

and rages for days and weeks and months

Let yourself go

so that you may know how it feels to be the hurricane

and the warm breeze

and the feeling of giving

not to receive.