i don't know you anymore. i don't know what you voice sounds like, or what your hair smells like. i remember it all, but that's only a memory. who you are now is a longing mystery to me.
i don't know what you feel when you wake up in the morning or throughout your days or behind your closed eyes when you're drifting off to sleep. i don't know what you dream anymore, i don't know who you talk to or what you say. i don't know what makes you happy anymore, or what you enjoy doing. i don't know what you believe or what you trust in. i don't know what keeps you going, or if you're going. i don't know what hurts you or makes you angry. i don't know what you value and care about, and i don't know what you think.
i'm always wondering.
look bitter up in the dictionary and you'll see me.
i'm home sick and i'm sick of this. sometimes i look for the eraser but that feeling doesnt last.
i'm bitter though. holding these back makes my throat hurt and that pain shoots up to the front of my skull, and my jaw aches. tension in my face from holding it back cuz my roommates are here and i cant be alone.
fuck this and all of it and not knowing anything about you and the fact that this is GOOD.
i hate that this is good.
beyond hate