chasing the sky

pulse

2012-02-05T00:02:00.000-08:00

Stop the thoughts

Not forceful, but surface what is important

bubbling like a geiser, steaming and full of emptiness

Bliss.

Nature doesn't play games;

she works in ways that can never be tamed

everything falling into place

When vision is blurred and light is lost

table corners and rose bushes jabbing at your side

scratching your legs

Don't forget: all wounds heal.

Revealed to you is a new day

each morning an element of surprise

a mystery and a gift

24 hours 1,440 minutes 86,400 seconds

to breathe

create

laugh

We are examining many different possibilities

We are pushing further into space

Realizing the greatness

of escaping from generalizations

Let stereotypes confuse you

don't accept understanding

the

one

narrow

road

of normality

that we all must take

Do backflips and summersaults through unpaved ways

Fly in a tornado behind underwater caves

Let altruism exist

Selflessness in sharing a belief

in fully caring for the souls

Embrace the vibrations of energy you possess

Caress your loved ones

with drum beats

and harp strings

from melodies within your Being

Slide and glide like a ballerina figure skater

through each day

all moments sewn together

with the fabric of emptiness

Nothing but bliss

Invisible comfort

from a quilt of complete Oneness

Believe in the state you are in

whether captivated by the shackles of your mind

Entrapped in a game of isolation and false pride

Or sing from the depths

of the formless that you are

In pure harmony with the birds

and swift brush of paint on a canvas

representing the great opportunities

that each day presents

In no way can I compromise my feelings

to believe in the theory that every being

is alive only to survive on selfish nature

giving only to receive.

No, it doesn't work for me

not after this structure vanished

and Love encompassed

a year of energy

No, when thoughts are built on fantasies

and self becomes form through unattainable desire

and physical states ache for days

and finally the sun returns

and lungs breathe and lean as soft ferns

the mind falls behind

intuition and a swollen heart exhale

raw beauty

innocence from the first glance

Acceptance as a last chance

right in time to understand the sincerity

of wishing the best

simply to wish the best

Giving with no intent

to receive

Unconditional

unbreakable

untamable as the wind

We are too great

too much potential lies within

for us to limit

and settle in narcissism

Because Love is patient

and Love is kind

it is never jealous

or boastful

or conceited

It is never rude

or selfish

Live and let be

Love and do what you will

As the wind blows and as water flows

don't close your mind body and soul to the valuable gift

of loving as love comes

Feeling it flow and whirl

twist and curl up inside of your soul

like a storm that, always before, feels calm

and rages for days and weeks and months

Let yourself go

so that you may know how it feels to be the hurricane

and the warm breeze

and the feeling of giving

not to receive.

2012-01-17T23:16:00.000-08:00

it's true, uneasy
songs on repeat
not on the same page with the breeze
i'm feeling queezy
needing to reveal my feelings
but god damn
it's hard with everything filling my two hands
strong so so strong
but only so much
only so much
putting all of my hopes
into a single night
out of every week
it turns into
the third
here i am
with plans blabbing from my lips
i don't know what i'm saying
just praying for peace
i guess i really loved
this is really love.

ghost in the dining room

2012-01-16T11:22:00.000-08:00

It was Monday night, MLK Day, and I had to work at the restaurant.
It was busy, I was working in a HUGE, old, old, old house. The dining room was beautiful and spacious and there were many guests that I had to take care of. Then I turned around and saw that a group of ladies had just been sat in my section so I went to greet them and was overtaken with emotion to see that it was Emi, Caitlin, Kara, Theresa, Sammy, Kelsey, Courtney, Colleen and a few others that had come to visit me! They were all dressed up SO beautifully. I hugged everyone, then rushed around to figure out how to get everything done that I needed to.
I went to the kitchen to try and put orders in, I got very overwhelmed when realizing that I forgot a bunch of things... everything got hazy. And quiet. Everything was so quiet.
Then it was decided, somehow, by someone, that all of my friends that had come to visit me would have a sleepover in this restaurant after it closed for the night. We had this elegant, beautiful, old and massive house to ourselves.
Things became even quieter.
And dark.
The lights were off in the dining room and then in the foyer and then the kitchen and bedrooms and I walked so calmly to every light switch to try to turn the lights back on. Every time I would flip a light switch, a dim... greenish white or sometimes tinted red orb-like, hazy ectoplasm would appear in the corner of the room and swiftly disappear. No one was there. No guests, no friends, no co-workers.
I stood in the foyer and looked outside the front doors: they were huge, heavy wood doors with glass panes and the street outside was dark. The air looked thick with fog colored yellow from the street lamp.
I continued to walk through different rooms to find lights and was standing alone in almost complete darkness of the dining room with the fullness of presence surrounding me. I felt it so strongly, the heavy energy of dark beings flowing through the rooms. I heard a quiet whisper say "I'm here." I froze for a moment then forced each of my legs to carry my body over to the foyer and try the light-switches again. My feet felt like cinder blocks and it was hard to breathe, there was someone in the shadow that I couldn't see.
Flipping the light-switches frantically, the scene changed and a king-size bed appeared in the dining room. It was still dark, but I could see from street lamp light seeping in that there were 4 people lying in this bed. I looked closer to find that they were my friends, and in my frantic, terrified state I proceeded to wake them up and tell them what happened. Once I woke them up, however, I realized that I couldn't tell any of the girls that were there. They were frustrated with me for waking them and I began speed-walking through the house to find other bodies asleep in the darkness, searching for the one I could explain this experience to.
I never found her, but it feels good to tell the story nonetheless.

maze

2012-01-10T09:46:00.000-08:00

In the space between fingers there is matter growing, expanding, pushing. A rib cage serves as an abandoned home with overgrow greenery, the deepness of saturation offers a glimpse of pressure. Intensity. In the space within the skull there are thoughts unable to be tamed. The formless structure of the soul holds dreams, desires, and a destiny; slowly unfolding.
Time and space. And then... time, and space.
With each step, weight and weightless. Haze of reality. Sleeplessness. A lone wolf doesn't confide in the false comfort of the quiet company from its mind. There was once a belief that the end of the world wasn't so absurd... as long as true love was there to ground the surroundings of hearts in love. But how captivating is a life in love. Freedom in love? Freedom? In love?
Craze comes with living in The Land of What Ifs. Of what if I surprised you with a ten hour drive and all of the things I had in mind, before you surprised mine. What if I kissed you in the gray afternoon, what if this feeling of my heart fumbling in my hands (above a mile-high gorge with a white-water river waiting thirstily to swallow it up) never goes away?
Sometimes every thread in the fabric of cloth, like tendrils on a vine, cling to my skin. Suffocate my pores. My mind gets tight, everything I know is I know is I know
is
not.
But no, a circus cage platform make-believing my own fate certain that it is worth it to yell. Sometimes the pitter patter is much faster than it's ever been. Pressure in my chest, tightness pulling at my neck. It's twelve o'clock, noon, and I'm still asleep in a full room. Bodies consumed by monotone. Open the door to close it, climb ten steps in between.
There comes a time to fall back in love with my own mind. Craving the sensation of loving myself and no one else. Selfishness to attain bliss, a curse seemingly worth it. Erase all emotions and hope; face no regret in the eyes of the unknown. Go and go with no attachments, find the inspiration again to erase time. Sand and waves and breeze to shape the formless that you are. I am.
Quiet mumbles and wheels scraping across tiles. Footsteps through long hallways, anxieties dripping from sweat glands over grading scales and waking up for class. Aching to be enough.
What happens when love becomes averse and the very being that you are longs to be unknown?
A reoccuring dream: riding a roller-coaster, unharnessed and not settled, up and down, around, faster than you could know. Views of Australia and mountains along the way, the speed at which I feel danger surrounding me, hanging on for dear life. Falling feet first into a clear blue oasis, white sand covering bare feet, warm water holding a set of smooth knees, and unfamiliar faces gazing past; (as if only their subconscious could sense this abrupt arrival) as if I was precisely on time.

2012-01-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

A closet full of blankets and pillows,
overflowing
so you have to dig your shoulder into the door
push your weight just to keep it closed
Sound is muted
no deep breaths
bruised ribs from thoughts
Like a pantry feels,
needing to be dusted
jars and onion skins
plastic grocery bags and a thick air
I thought I felt your eyes there
the ones that paralyze
But no
Empty spaces
full
and it sets in heavy
A bag of sugar on top of a sack of potatoes
A heavy scent of you
a shortness of breath
a brick on my chest
a hazy memory of my hands
on your face
Your fingertips on my shoulder
breaking every bit
There's something about the wind
the way it takes everything in
but lets it all go
Weightless
constantly wandering
yet not aimless
The greatest power in between
shaking leaves
tornadoes of dust and cigarette butts at your feet
Feel my love in the next breeze
that kisses your cheek
Feel the knots that twist up my insides
that make my skin burn

christmas rip tide

2011-12-25T22:25:00.000-08:00

mmm

mmmmm

how delicious it is

i'm drinking it in

the thought of your skin on my skin

i know what this is
the way your shoulder blade looks to me,
what it does to me
the speed of my heart
while i'm reading to you
and even more so
when we aren't saying a word

i feel joy

beyond

joy

happiness and a sense of content

never before felt

i used to be scared

unaware

that i could face each day

and here i am

laughing in the face of mystery

taking it by the hand

mine bare,

grasping a glove

unknown to my own understanding

excited to experience everything i don't know

there is so much more

and i'm in love with you

i love it, too

the way i cringe and groan

hope you will give me the time of day

let me make you moan

i'm dirty and flirty and worthy of love

of everything unsaid

everything yet to discover

i'm hovering above this sense

of a different dimension

elapsed time in space

with you, whether you know it or not

happy to be there

happy to be forgotten

it's christmas

i've been given the most wonderful gifts

i'm blessed i'm fortunate i'm comfortable i'm loved

i love i give i practice

to the best of the best

living in one extreme

growing into the next

finding my place in between

through balance

to love you

and to fight

to let go

and to quiet my mind

let be, be

close my eyes and see

living to let live

i have absolutely no worries

my anxieties don't rid me of the joy i deserve

they have melted away in a suffelleheyheyhey

i live to serve my being and the rest\

to express my understanding

of my own soul

yours

and the rest

i love you

i love me

i'm in love with you

i love you

my mind has been taken

by the tide of its time

paddling at an angle won't create the current's demise

of lovesick struggle

and life's triumph

so i'll grasp both

as i'm carried out to sea

and ride the damn wave

punch fear in the face

and kiss your delicious lips

right then and there

forget about how scared i was

take your hand in my hand

do what i can

let the sun shine, too

or struggle through grey clouds

and cold winds

that i won't be able to notice

through all of this

merry christmas

First Kiss

2011-12-01T07:25:00.001-08:00

Now if that dream didn't mean a thing, then neither did Lincoln's where he died and described to Mary Todd just a few days prior to when he was shot. Yes, I did my research just to show you that even then did I feel the burst from our lips. Our first kiss was in a dream, but I know that I was not alone. I know that if I picked up the phone you would jolt at the site of my name on the other line because in the wee hours of this first December day your being was intertwined somewhere in space with mine. Some bits, particles, essence of soul, floating and meshing intense enough for us both to know.

The life of a vagabond is calling. The dawn of each day presents a blank page for my feet to skate and play, no attachments and no remains. Every moment full of Grace.

In my heart and bones and soul are a multitude of universes created from each being that has come to be in my life. A friend a foe a mother a brother my sister my puppy my neighbors my lovers. More than planets greater than galaxies, universes without dimensions, without senses that we've ever known.

You are a universe in itself, in my heart, in my mind and in my veins. A universe of colors I'm only able to wonder of. Scents that pull my eyes up to the ceiling of my mind, blind in sight. A touch I've never felt, music from laughter that has never been heard, beauty from another world.

Now when I fly across the Pacific and land on an island of pure paradise and bliss, my love for you will be in the crashing waves. And when I see you at Donkey or walking down the street, my heart will burst and my soul rejoice; two beautiful universes colliding here, on planet earth.

I appreciate love and loss, life and death, fear and courage. Strength and weaknesses led me to my own understanding of the being within my imperfect skin. Knowledge and foolishness, challenges and flows. A never ending soul full of energy dancing with the wind through the streets of Athens and parks in Chardon, through the spheres of different existences. Letting go of the ego, I am infinite and ever expanding to the planes on which my heart and mind gain insight on life as I know it.

I took a picture in my sleep of the crystals hanging on the Walnut tree, the earth was glowing, in a dream state the light pulled me out from under the warmth of my many blankets to the cold naked space of my empty bedroom.

And in that dream; the imperfections and the fears, the subtleties and the fierce passion. A kiss more real than I could have ever imagined. Two cosmos locking lips, what I've always wished, and to think that in a dream it wouldn't be real.
Now don't be silly, I tell myself, for our souls are the most alive

in the moments of the pure unknown.

2011-11-15T09:57:00.000-08:00

girl you kill me you've got me all twisted up on the inside the fear is so near; i can't escape it, i can't get past your eyes hanging on every word the way i feel has become absurd you take up every space in my mind every corner every crevice every vast open area of thought and feeling all my days hours minutes spent preparing are lost in a haze with your presence i'm going crazy torturing myself in fantasies when it just aint in the cards that really hits hard my heartsahurtin really hurtin my minds telling me its not worth it it's time to shift gears that the weight is too great heavy heavy so heavy i can't do it i can't bear it the nerves your curves splitting my courage in half i lose my breath when you speak

this has gone too far i'm losing my mind i don't have time to lose yet here i am day after day throwing it all away only to crush and be crushed so it goes no one will know but i'm putting my foot down no more screwing around waiting for you to arrive just to catch a glimpse of that smile i can't do it anymore it's time to close the door pick my heart up off the floor face each day ignore the maze in my brain of thoughts that get me stuck on you i'll throw a blindfold over my eyes whatever it takes to resist the bait quit making up this life in my mind jump back on my bike and go for a ride let out a scream a cry wait for the ache to subside i think it's time to burrow down back in the assignments and presentations aiming for straight A's and beam with pride having my heart on my side and my mind in my mind, not your eyes

yes it's time i'll put my right foot forward and quicken my pace so the image of your pretty face has no way to stay in place in the space that was made, a cave for that maze no it's time to fill it in pack it tight focus on sight of a pure honest light ahead and leave this heartache behind for someone else to find with a note attached to handle with care to bury it in the earth to use the passion love desire for rebirth of a new being a beautiful Sycamore tree sturdy in the soil with arms long strong flowing freely bearing heart shaped leaves yes please do me this favor because i can't see it through i can't bear to bury my feelings for you but i'll leave them behind and walk in patience with the hope of this new growth

2011-10-20T20:56:00.001-07:00

This dream is rooting deeper

like the feet of a tall Walnut

diving, twisting

and drinking in the essentials

to survive

to thrive

to come alive

A dream of leaves

of critters and streams

of rich soil

and a thick forest

A cabin stands humbly

built from the body of a pine tree

who sacrificed its view

to shelter an old woman

Tucked away in the mountains

after miles and miles of open land

ranches and cattle

Aspens and yellow grass

blowing in the wind

A fire burns for warmth

water boils for tea

A dog rests at the foot

of frozen feet bundled up

under the comfort

of her best friend

The swiftness of the wind

bringing memories

taking love to send

chasing the sky

The softness of lush moss

ferns undisturbed

A timeless walk to a break in the trees

peaks upon peaks

the mountain

under my feet

colder than cold

2011-09-30T11:53:00.000-07:00

I could love you in the wind of this season
I could spoon you in my single bed
in the corner of my clean room,
play the perfect music and rub your arm
I could make the Dean's list in school
and make friends with all the cool kids
I could sign a lease for a studio apartment
and keep it as clean as I please
I could hold your hand,
glove in glove,
crunch leaves along the way
I could love you
and tell you all about the Black Walnut
that stands outside my window
and wake you up at 7
to show you the sunrise that shines behind it
I could get drunk again
and make friends with all of my friends
talk about nothingness
and how great it feels to be alive
the importance of spelt grains
and how monumental it is that we agree
Or I could study
and go to sleep when I want
and never feel like I have to justify why
I could make a playlist
and share it with you
or I could listen to it alone,
knowing the perfection of one track
after the other
I could take your picture
or not
I could take you on an autumn drive
with music to fit the mood
and leaves falling on the windshield
Or I could stay away in my own mind
and drive until I got tired
with no one in the passenger seat
That would be fine.

operation anonymous love letters

2011-08-05T19:35:00.000-07:00

Hi. eyes I could melt in
you feel good in the scoop of my arm, and it feels so good to laugh like that
talk about longing for

t o u c h

funny that you don't know. Funny how I think of one day where I can tell you

how I sleep in dreams and wake and smile and glide through my mind

The thought of fall when it hits me i can feel it rush throughout my body like a first kiss

with that my stomach is tight and my throat closes up as I try to push away the groan

I squeeze my eyes and go for a run.

I like rising in the morning at the same hour as the steam coming off of the lake.

I like smiling alone,

half of the time I can't say a word because of the dang eyes

the curve and the curls and I'm gettin an ache in my head

from shaking back and forth and my shoulders are sore

from brushin this all off to act so cool calm and collected

just say my name

I'll start all over again

the pouting thinkin no one's paying attention

and inside I'm shouting cuz I'm almost broke

spending every last dime.

Laughing to myself, as if, oh hufflepuff

ooh la la la la la

Hi. seriously.

2011-07-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

who am i these days
i hate cigarettes, i can't stand smoking weed, drinking alcohol has become way too much of a task that i don't enjoy, i love going to sleep early and waking up early, my body is both fragile and vigorous, i love pushing myself,i love being with my friends especially when we're being active, i love having self control, i hate sleeping in, i am vegan, i miss my best friend, i love having a crush, kayaking is all i want to do always, i enjoy my job, i really am a leo, i can't eat pizza, i would love to learn more about gardening, i want a garden, this heat is invigorating and debilitating all at once, i am a victor.. not a victim, i need my alone time quite a bit, i enjoy reading. i love when someone touches my back, i have to apply for a passport.. tomorrow! i am in desperate need of a massage, my knees sweat more than you can imagine, the worst thing is feeling like i have to explain myself to everyone... i shouldn't feel it, but i do. i want to kiss. i want to be alone. i am happy being alone, but i love you too.
I will do the Ironman.

tongue out

2011-07-01T01:16:00.000-07:00

There's a thousand mosquito bites

surrounding an organ beating and exposed

the sun has this place deprived of any hydration

ants make their way on thighs and thumbs

bearing witness of lovers kissing on the green

and a pair of sore shoulder blades

kneading into the tall oak

Beauty and pain in fifteen minutes of fame

a scholarly student receiving A's and money

yet questioning what there is to gain

And here it goes

a heaven a heart a blaze of greatness

on fire

up in flames just the same

that feeling that quietly on the outside

but inside rages

I feel it I reel it in I want you

I want you I want you

Oh it's Summer it's endless it's boredom it's freedom

it's falling for more curls back in the Spring

across the fold up table awaiting

anticipating, and now still sunken in this craving

Smiles smiles

smiling

Plant a stamp on the top right corner

love letters hidden in small talk

600 miles away

a fantasy a make believe dream

in the midst of day to day reality

Where is it right to be?

2011-05-21T23:59:00.000-07:00

here it is, 3am again and im eating pasta in bed dammit polluting the air of this clean room polluting my stomach by distributing the fumes of the Flume that used to be one i knew pure and healthy clean and pristine now diluted by allergens gluten friends that i once knew but who are you? im sorry that i have a sad tale to tell but what the hell since we're all going to hell so much for the rapture especially since i thought i would be captured by the spell i was under when i was under the influence of innocence and obedience a reliance on a defiant structure one that i fell under but now the questions of who am i and who are you but us together is the most askew to my eye sight my mind sight the hind light shows me that the grass is greener on the other side of the tree that seems to be underneath my feet the roots encompassing them someone please tell me what that means because i don't know a thing brushing off a bug from my knee exhibiting the fear which three of you do i want to squeeze and embrace kiss and feel the fear that i feel let me step back to that all of the people around me why do i choose to please what is this sense of need Wyoming Utah Colorado hold me keep calling my name so i remain sane this Rolling Rock is not what i came for but the truth of the matter is that the people i see are who im eager to please when i keep saying me me me you are whom you need to please but in what manner do you accomplish these things giving your soul making out with your tongues or leaving your friends and being on your own? for some of us it may mean giving up all of it and shit that means me but that is scary.

2011-05-19T01:14:00.001-07:00

i felt you all tonight
every single one of you
in my
mind
body
soul
bones
spirit
heart
veins
pores
senses
i spoke to a god that i once believed in
i poured my soul out
within the fragments of my drunken speech
i spit rhymes with no breaths
there is confidence in your being,
do you realize?
if i can be me
then you can believe
in the being that you must embrace
one day
like this day
play this moment as every day
how on earth
how on universe
does my soul encompass
this being
these feelings
but I promise to you
on our friendship
that i feel what i feel
it is really real
it is what i need
you are what i see
we are growing, folks
every day
we are every being
holding my knees
you are making my
tummy squeeze
do you know what
our ego is or says or feels
because we are all
royalty
do you know how beautiful you truly are
how valuable your words are
are are are are
we the same person
no not a chance
but we are
undoubtedly
inseparable
undeniable
the prime of our lives
this is it we are alive
we know each other
wake up
please be aware
my heart has spoken
you have answered
thank you Sambo
for showing me what i have known
i can't say it better than matis
you are the air
that i breathe
and Ace who are you that i happened to meet
and the smoke in the air
and the words that i'd like to speak
to too many people
that i want to meet
thank the lord for
Applebees,
Donkey Coffee,
my wonderful mother
and my friends
different than me

2011-05-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

it feels like standing at the tide
the edge of where the surf meets the sand
gazing out into a never-ending abyss
being aware that it is about to explode
the water will reach the sky
my mind is about to be blown
my heart is about to marry itself
and forty-two other people
it's the anticipation of something never before felt
something so big
you can't even begin to imagine
so my mind is in complete disarray
but it is entirely ok
faith to the fullest
faith and trust that it will be perfect
my heart is melting and losing form
to be this ocean
open up and explode
the loudest orgasm in the souls
of beautiful bodies falling in love
in the most pure sense
sharing a story never told
diving in
not even knowing if the ability to swim
is at hand
or even necessary
because to float
and be able to breathe underwater
this is the extent of other beings
seeping in to your veins
flowing through your soul and mind
residing in your heart
too much to even begin to comprehend
so i take the plunge
with the biggest smile on my face
and all of the willingness
to give
and give
and
give

2011-04-06T07:29:00.001-07:00

working girl blues but its only day two boo hoo theres a night sky cold and crisp with stars teasing my eyes never comparing to the desert's delight this isnt my room where is my ocean this drink will dizzy my senses but fabricates no potion to steal my soul and pull me away into the abyss of warm wind and laughter meaning happiness i am nowhere near hopeless rather hopeful for what persevering through this madness tables and tips drunken drums and sandwiches a foggy head feeling more equivocal than ever before or is that the feeling itself posing itself distressing my well being being seeing hearing feeling stop taking life so seriously don't lose grasp of believing in nothing or everything dry hands that could sand a renovated cascade of frozen slopes unsure if they should spill or stay put due to the weather and maybe that is just it my mind corresponding to the changing tides the comforting warm breezes to be suddenly followed by shrilling cold pinches of wind let it be let it be let it be stop at nothing

butterfly mistress

2011-02-24T09:59:00.000-08:00

Snap back

backwards photograph
did I make you laugh?
Come on let's dance
brush it off
feel that wind
feel the breeze
squeeze you
feel you
act like it needs you
and don't disagree
don't push it away
just
feel it
be it
do as you please.
Eggs detergent
EmergenC
that's my shopping list
for groceries
mama's sick
and I'm hungry
I have to throw in the laundry
run a few miles
and then sit down
because you see
happy
is what I want to feel
from you and you
and even he.
Your breath like a grassy breeze
I didn't make that up
but I like it
you see
I didn't pick you out
and make you who I want you to be
I just stumbled across
something amazing
and you're damn right
I feel lucky.
Could it be
an ocean?
A sea?
Waves hitting a tree
scattering my favorite leaves?
No no no
It feels to me
that it is just me
and you
And you
and
me
No octopus
dreaming of hummingbirds
No secret notes
just a sexy Latin dance
a trip wasted in France
a bed holding a family reunion
laughing and sitting back
without a care
only the fine line between ocean
and sky
the horizon
which we will defeat
run tip toed and naked
flailing arms
wasted
on the outskirts of the world
and the pigeons will understand
because of the system
that they have.
No safety belt
no directions.
Nothing ever felt
so reckless
in the most precise
and deliberate
of senses.
Here I am
on the front porch
of the world
entirely willing
to grasp
or cast it.

I'm at a loss for words.

2011-02-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

To breathe in the air from the crisp world around you, exhale entirely and be ready for more. Step, gaze, say goodbye to the haze in your brain. Smile. Chat with the elderly man on the way to the door, share a moment unique to any other. Run, smile. Smile. Laugh and never stop laughing... the breath that is released is more precious, more beautiful sounding than I've ever heard. Stop and look around, you might find that you have friends better than you've ever realized.. more beautiful, equal, full of life, challenged, and so very interesting. Not to mention fun as hell! Stop and you might see that you really have not appreciated the way your parents care for you, love you unconditionally. Step without thinking and you'll go right where you're meant to. Love without question and you'll only grow stronger.

2011-01-07T22:30:00.000-08:00

I long for mystery. To wonder whether or not one day I will feel the heat accompanied by a chill down my spine from the touch of a hand on my shoulder hand or cheek. The mystery of where my loved ones are, and their well being, without being able to find out within a matter of seconds. I long for the mystery of other people's thoughts and ideas. I long for getting to know someone by sharing a glance, and having the nerve to initiate conversation, and planning to meet again the next day for a nice walk or a cup of tea. I long for creaky wooden floors in a cold house, sitting in front of a fireplace with only the sound of the crackling wood and the silent snowflakes falling gracefully. Mystery of what eye contact may or may not mean. Mystery of not knowing what a friend is feeling in an uncomfortable situation, because you don't talk about it until after the fact. Mystery of talking, mystery of words. Mystery of how sincere another person is being. Do you mean what you say? Are you simply filling air? Relieving yourself of awkward silences? Don't humor me, I want honesty. I want cold, long silences if you can't find the words. I want to be able to stare or look away if I have to. I want to twist and turn at night, just dying to know what the rest of the world is thinking and feeling. I want to wonder, and put forth a real, genuine effort to find out. I want to be forced to reach out and not fall into a slump of slang and pictures on the television, one after another.. hours upon hours spent in the easiest nooks and crannies to fall into. Where is the mystery and why is no one fighting for it? Write me a letter, a poem, a song. Write me how you're feeling. In words, in a painting, in a childish drawing. Put it in ink, let it take a while to reach me. Don't spoil the surprise.

Am I defeating the purpose by posting this?

2010-12-15T21:51:00.000-08:00

the sun pulls back and ocean waves hit billions of grains of sand with a crash so hard the earth opens up right then and there what are you thinking or are you thinking as your feet scramble and your brain goes every which way to run backwards slipping and staring the earth is sinking beneath your own two beautiful feet it's like the quicksand in a stomach where you'd find all of the lies and questions and a pile full of timber hitches, twisting and tightening and wrapping around a large heart so beautiful and visually magnificent, almost unbearably grotesque with each pump of blood through every in and out it cracks as ice, transparent with a growing deepness of blue and white, slowly but surely makes it's way across this vital organ and a hand gingerly but with desperation buries in to the skin across a tired chest one like a desert with miles upon miles of desolate broken land with stories and hardships and triumphs and that beautiful and heartbreaking sense of understanding that one single soul out of the 6 billion+ can comprehend or not even but encompass and accomodate to each and every pore every vein and artery and tissue and bone every hair follicle and every blood cell and each and every atom.

and this all takes place within a single breath

New York, I Love You But You're Freaking Me Out

2010-12-02T08:09:00.000-08:00

go go go go go go

of course, it's not all whacked

and there's this

(click photos to enlarge)

before, during, and after Genesis and Exodus

2010-11-21T19:26:00.001-08:00

I am back in Arizona. I have a second chance to come home.

This setting, this place called home, I now am slowly beginning to realize is apt to change over time, having tread some ground. Also with the gracious help from Barbara Kingsolver's beautifully written book titled; The Poisonwood Bible.
I began reading it at an exceptionally dawdling pace. I spent long, hot days in the sun running a chainsaw and craved that hour of down time I had to spend that would come after work and before dinner to simply sit. And even after that, the craving lingered for the set of sleeping-bags and blankets that I had waiting for me every night in my tent. To simply lie down and listen to the world. The river, the coyotes, the wind, the stillness. I didn't make much time for the book.
However, here I am sitting in a motel room in Phoenix (there and back again) with 10 pages left after spending a full 6 1/2 hours straight of flight time without putting the book down. It is doing an impeccable job of opening my mind to this revelation.

Home. Home for me is the soil. The dirt in my back yard and the dirt in Gettysburg, and the red sand from the Four Corners. Home for me is the autonomous wind that brushes by and through, the sound of loons in Algonquin, Canada, the laughter, the secrets. Home is you, and myself. Together and alone. Home is the thoughts in my head, and the feelings I could never fully express. Home is Sisson Rd. Home is the open road. Home is the jungle, and every other huge and minuscule part of the earth that I cannot fathom. Home is despair, and noticing change. It is strength that comes from experience, and the thickness of my skin. The Colorado River at the bottom of the Grand Canyon is a home I have yet to inhabit... but I know that the desire itself is accommodating. Strangers are home. Animals and children and old folks are home. Home is wherever I'm with you. Home is wherever I am. Home is where the heart is.

" 'You have nothing to lose but your chains.' But I don't happen to agree. If chained is where you have been, your arms will always bear marks of the shackles. What you have to lose is your story, your own slant. You'll look at the scars on your arms and see mere ugliness, or you'll take great care to look away from them and see nothing. Either way, you have no words for the story of where you came from."

Know where you've been, what has made you who you are and who you're becoming. Every step has altered you, therefore every part of every thing can be your home.

My soul is my sanctuary.

2010-11-18T15:51:00.000-08:00

2010-11-15T16:01:00.001-08:00

mmm.
how good it feels to exercise
the body
the mind
the soul

2000 miles one way

2010-11-13T06:10:00.001-08:00

when i was hiding out in the sandy plains, the life i had and everything i knew was changing to throw me into a daze and now i'm waist deep in a foggy haze. waist deep above my knees and waist deep behind my eyes. what did i want in the first place? not all of these pictures of 'beautiful' people and the addiction of signing on every hour or so to see what 'everyone else in the world' is doing. and not the down time or decision to waste it spent pouring out feelings to this eternal black abyss.
but this is what it is right now. choices and confusion and jealousy and loneliness and a lot of things to think about.
i'm wondering if this subtle feeling will eventually overtake me. the feeling of wanting to run... and run, to somewhere brand new and unfamiliar. distant and clean. a place where no one has seen my face, a place where i can meet anyone and start fresh. but is that just another set of fancy ideas to take up space in my brain? an idea that when i get there, it will turn out being just the same?
i don't know if i could stand that, having every place the same. is every place the same?

2010-10-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

a long day of driving drains me to the core.
it is my escape and my enemy.
i have seen sand and mountains and canyons and many different colored rocks.
i have seen elk, lizards, moose, mule deer, a baby black bear, big-horned sheep, fish,
sage brush, tamarisk, cottonwood, box elder, rabbit brush, bull thistle,
the san juan river, the green river, the dolores river, the snake river, the yellowstone river,
hayden valley, bison, the grand canyon of yellowstone, the grand tetons,
chipmunks, butterflies, delicate arch,
the reflection of someone i don't recognize with a lonely strong and weak heart,
rain and dirt and water and wind and sunrises and sunsets,
santa fe, hermosa, handfulls of different coffeshops, ranches, dogs, horses, cows,
cute friendly folk and some cold grumpy folk,
i have seen fights and lovers, gift shops and post offices,
miles of interstates like you couldn't imagine, lots of different music,
pretty lights & del the funky homosapien,
3 crew members leave, 4 stay,
a dead dog be run over, many beautiful stray dogs, old faithful, a huge navajo festival,
a pow wow, autumn in the aspens, bums, lots of gas stations,
dove creek, trails, the loneliest moments, the most exhilarating moments, fossil creek,
brandon's house, brandon's dog, brandon's dad,
the earth face first at 120mph, a lot more things that got deleted.
my bones are weak. my head is tired.
you just have to keep getting up everyday anway
i miss so much.

2010-08-24T15:08:00.000-07:00

"i have never seen you look so ready to go"
"i have never felt so ready"

2010-08-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

go.
green blades sink and surround your bare feet
detach the strings sewn in the hem of your shirt
those that tug and keep you
or take it off
run around naked

Typical Daily Work Schedule

2010-08-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

5:30am: 1 CM wakes up & sets out breakfast & lunch items for
the crew.
6:00am: Everyone wakes up, eats breakfast & makes lunch.
7:00am: Work begins with 20-minute stretch/safety circle.
9:00am: 15 minute break.
11:00am:Lunch Break: 30min (Unpaid)
2:00pm: 15 minute break.
3:30pm: End of workday.
4:00pm: Back to camp.
Chainsaw Cleaning time (1 hour) SFT Crew Only
4:30pm: Chore time. Preparing dinner, writing in journals.
6:00pm: Dinner Time!
7:00pm: Dinner Done. Dishes washed & put away, kitchen is
clean and all food is properly stored.
8:00pm: Evening Crew Meeting and Education.
9:00pm: Journaling and Free time.
9:30pm: Bedtime

2010-07-31T20:13:00.000-07:00

around the corner, down the brick street
straddling a fine line of sunshine and shadow
standing amidst a sea of gazes and uncertainty
a different world behind each set of searching eyes
all of this, simply what i see behind mine
picking out a piece
something like a riddle
something everyone else isn't good at
straight out: grasping the cold door handle
screeching open to find a river in the sky
and grass as blue as an ocean
that you've never seen
or it's been a while
and words are only traps
incarcerating thoughts and emotions
swallowing the key
falling into a deep sleep
interesting that they provide an escape route
for the feelings to breathe
maybe it is only because of the dream
fingernails long and strong
the skin on your back,
just below the shoulders,
sinking..fighting against the pressure
from the frustration
the shaking
and you can't even wake up
eyes closed
open only at your convenience
i just want to keep going
spewing enough so much it could make me run
have the courage to go
it sizzles, sitting in the pit
like a tea kettle full of water
no escape for the steam
no place to scream
sit. inhale the blazing vapor.
smoldering insides
destroying the one genesis
where the storm has a chance to subside
is it too late?
never.
but it is time to go

2010-07-29T22:45:00.001-07:00

You can carry an orange around with you for days and days,
weeks..months..even years you could carry it.
But never will you get any juice or flavor unless you do something.
Unless you squeeze it.
But it seems like, if you wait too long,
it will rot.

2010-07-14T20:06:00.001-07:00

If we could talk about it,
it wouldn't be silence.
All things that sit in the midst of it,
the heaviness and lightness of it.
It is the most pure.
The actual moment,
not broken by spoken words.
Simply being, feeling.
So much.
It is delicate and intricate.
Subtle, and haunting.
Definite and mysterious...
I am telling you so much,
in these tiny spaces.

Wails

2010-07-13T20:35:00.001-07:00

I would really love to be a few different places right now...

the most at this very moment:
being on a campsite in Algonquin looking at the stars lying on the rocks listening to loons sing over so many lakes...ahhhhhhhhh it makes my skin tingle thinking about it. And my boots heavy.
I'd also like to be back in 413 for a few days, just to step back and feel all of that.
Toledo would be nice to see my monkey peanut lovey, or on a farm somewhere beautiful.
Being here is good too though. If I wasn't here now, then here would be on my list too.
That's something I haven't been able to say in a long time, and I think it's good to be able to.
There's something about those loons though, it's almost haunting me.

2010-07-01T17:33:00.000-07:00

This is the weirdest summer of my life.
Time to dive into books with this puppy asleep at my feet.
If I had money, I would be cruisin.

wandering

2010-06-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

When you're sleepwalking I think it's like walking on the bottom of a lake. Something about everything feels like there is a coating of thick over everything. Do you know what I mean? Like everything has a fog, it's subtle but it lingers. It's something else to see things. I think silence can be one of the loudest things? So quiet. It's something else to listen.

Is a lot happening? I can't tell.

I miss feeling this

Is it possible to be nowhere?

2010-06-20T14:29:00.001-07:00

I'd better get working
I'm bored with all that brainwashing
Let's break all separate rooms
Changing's no fun if you don't want to
I need a good day sailing
To tell the sun and the moon
That I am turning for no reasons too
And I keep waiting
Driving to the gas station
Caught by a traffic jam blues
Life is nonsense, I don't have a clue
I need a cool day riding
Feeding all the horses at dawn
Searching for the truffles, going through the woods
Then I'll be waiting
I've passed all summer days driving

2010-06-15T02:08:00.000-07:00

oh my god it was a million years ago
sometimes you get up and bake a cake or something
sometimes you stay in bed

2010-06-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

Your breath like grassy breeze, your stare like taut string. The clouds lap like sky waves against the back of your head, bursting behind your hair.

You make love like you're filling out a silly quiz. Each answer a play, a reaction, snickering with the pen in your mouth. Writing a bit in the margins, a strange drawing here and there, incomplete faces and shapes.

Suddenly, like blowing out a match, you disappear. But only your body; your clothes, your rings, your socks, your belt, your chipped nail polish, a bit of eyeshadow, your gold tooth, remain.

I will put it all in a small bag, take it home, and leave it by the front door. In case you ever return.

- by Dan

2010-06-08T00:10:00.000-07:00

i can't wait to leave. and it might be the saddest thing i've ever felt.

old

2010-05-31T22:03:00.001-07:00

in my dream last night we were at school and there was this class going on on the soccer field and i was part of some demonstration and you said something to me but i didn't hear you very well and then said something mean to you. and then the bell rang and you had just like disappeared. so i went looking for you and i thought you would be in the lunch room and i was skipping classs, and then the school sorta turned in this grand house and i saw you and sammy and kelley laying down in some room with really soft carpeting and i asked you to come outside of the room and we were sort of on this ledge and i said sorrry and gave you a big hug and then we started falling off the ledge but we were actually just floating and we landed so gently onn the ground and just lied there.

2010-05-31T15:01:00.001-07:00

I love the hot weather, it feels like it wraps around my skin.

Home has never felt so good

Michael, what did you do?!

2010-05-19T15:57:00.001-07:00

I want to fuck you. Which is good, it makes me feel normal, because normal people like to fuck. And fuck a lot.
There's this monster, with a crazy stomach that sounds like a gurgling swamp of something nasty.
Her middle name must be excess.
So there's this person that just wants to ramble so much to confuse the hell out of you, make your head spin and spin. While spinning, let me know if you see this one soul that this person I know seems to have lost. Someone stole it, this thick, milky chai tea or brownie that's making me want to vomit, or the thoughts of you and you and you that they have, or the words she doesn't speak, or the things they do, or the school work I don't, or the volume, or the secrets & car drives, or the tears or the calories or the blog posts or the pills or the hours without sleep.
Somebody wants to be OK for everyone.
Let's fuck.
I kind of hug myself while I sleep, so I don't think it would be too hard to get used to.
?
spun¿

2010-05-10T09:30:00.000-07:00

why birds push bears out

2010-05-10T04:07:00.000-07:00

I hate to say it is so much more clear to me now. I hate to say that taking that step will be the death of what? Whatever this is. Giving as much as I am needing. Needing all that is being lost. Bones are crumbling into dust, insides are drying out and wilting, head is being tapped with something heavy, stomach is lying in front of two feet and a heart is following close behind. It's all very quiet, but it is real. It's heartbreaking, it's cutting off eye contact, it's missing that picnic table. The truth that it is makes breathing a heavy task and walking up stairs exhausting but not so funny. What else to do but run? To explode, thousands of tiny particles in the air. Vanish from the lives of all the people you know. Never look back.

These dogs will tear your flesh, you best give them a bone.

2010-05-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

I have a 6 year old brother, he is walking around the house in dirty socks with a hole in each for his big toes to breathe. He has two cookies in hand with the chocolate chips melting on the cracks of his palms, and the crumbs crumbling and falling, and my eyes getting heavier.
"Every secret-unmarked-door that brings country people to its gates
and yields
a crushing absence of secrets,
buckles in the heat, the paint moves as weeds move in a current and then
it all moves along"
Not that I care, but observing from this awkward and uncomfortable and clostrophobic distance tends to be somewhat suffocating. When legs are shaking just to lift up and climb the next step and arms well who knows what they're ever doing. But you don't have a bed to lie in or a stool to stand on or a floor that isn't covered in sticky spilt...stuff and dust and dirt.
A thousand collages can't seem to release the things you want to say.

Denmark

2010-04-16T15:28:00.000-07:00

Please

2010-04-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

Loud noise gives me heavy boots.

The sun on my face sometimes gives me a heavy heart.
It [scares] me that on drives to nowhere I feel I am learning the most.
In need of a day or a few days with no obligations,
just maybe the sun shine and the open road?
Or an open field and a full picnic basket.
A camera or sketchbook, or just a few sets of eyes.

rawrrwrwrrr

2010-04-06T03:18:00.000-07:00

2010-03-31T18:40:00.000-07:00

We're all mad!

2010-03-27T02:29:00.000-07:00

I found a bunch of dust on top of my bookshelf, underneath a picture frame. There was dust also on top and on the face of the picture frame, and also on all of the books. There was dust underneath my pillow when I was lying down to sleep. When I woke up there was dust underneath my fingernails and when I ran into the woods to the creek to clean them off there was dust on the fallen down tree and dust where a dog used to be, sitting on the branches. There's no such thing as outer space and no such thing as rooftops, or music. I kept sweeping away the dust in every crack and corner that I found it in, which was most. It floats around and hides in the most peculiar of places. I think it used to be sand last summer, and before that it may have even been a forest.

2010-03-21T16:25:00.000-07:00

you are tired,

(I think)
of the always puzzle of living and doing;
and so am I.

Who am I to have these feelings? To constantly want to be going somewhere else...?

I want to sit under a tree in tall grass away from any lights and buildings and people
and I want a pile of books and a picnic basket and a blanket and all the time.

even if it scares me, right now you are my home...

2010-03-16T04:04:00.000-07:00

I'm bored and I miss everyone and I feel so weird being alone in this hospital room in the dark. Hospitals are so weird and frustrating. I wish someone was here to snuggle with. I'm sad that this is the end of my quarter.
End of the quarter? Wow. So much to say...

but the most important and worth saying is thanks to my many really amazing friends that laughed with me sooooo much and took care of me, put up with me, cried with and to me, needed me and let me need them, cared so much more than I knew was possible, kicked and peed and were old women, climbed up the rock wall, encouraged me and made me feel comfortable. Let me borrow things and borrowed my things, treated me as a person, were too much fun to hang with, were the best things I ever had :)
Also, going to Jersey Shore to see Ronnie and get spray tans, watching so much GG and loving it & not caring, staying up too late, sharing sleep and being what I need. Being real and imperfect and making me angry and sad but still more wonderful than ever and being irresistible to love. Playing so much Bananagrams & even a bit of Robot Unicorn! Being both bad and good examples, but always being fun... and getting soup and skipping class! Or encouraging me to go to class and pushing me to try to do well :) Not hating me for losing your keys or for all the other clumsy things I do. Letting me live in your room :)
Most importantly though, sharing a mutual sense of real love and friendship - it's the best ever. Sometimes too good it feels, you're all too good. I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you...

No idea what the future is about to bring us, but spring time is always a time to look forward to.

Every time I close my eyes I feel like a million different things happen, the sensations are so real that it amazes me it's only my imagination! Huh.......

2010-03-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.

If the world's at large, why should I remain?

Walked away to another plan.

Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.

I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way.

Went to the porch to have a thought.

Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.

You don't know where and you don't know when.

But you still got your words and you got your friends.

Walk along to another day.

Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.

We'll float on maybe would you understand?

Gonna float on maybe would you understand?

Well I'll float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.

I like the autumn but this place is getting old.

I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.

It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.

The day's get longer and the nights smell green.

I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.

They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.

Walked on off to another spot.

I still haven't got anywhere that I want.

Did I want love? Did I need to know?

Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.

Adding their breeze to the summer nights.

Outside, water like air was great.

I didn't know what I had that day.

Walk a little farther to another plan.

You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's all about.

But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.

My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.

My thoughts were so loud.

Muck

2010-03-08T00:52:00.000-08:00

There are patches of grass and big buildings with lots of lights.
Plastic fields with plastic flowers and plastic snow and grass and trees and lots of pavement.
Dark cars with people and loud sounds moving not sleeping but not really awake.
Electricity,
never really touching the ground, not exactly floating.

Let's everybody just do whatever;

tumble&flow

2010-03-01T05:30:00.000-08:00

What are we trying to do? We as in you, or me, or both of us, or all 5 or all 20 thousand of us or anyone? I know that at the moment I am trying to read and understand concepts of rocks and parks and volcanoes it seems? Just so I don't fail an exam, so I can pass a class, so I can earn a degree. I don't really know what that means though, and I know that these rocks aren't going to do much for me. Will the fog of what is right ever cover us? Has it? Is it? What is the unsettling feeling? Where do you go when there isn't anywhere that feels like home? Curious and honest. I like when the sky looks menacing and deep and quiet and unknown, I want to dive into it and be somewhere I have no understanding of. Not a different state or country, but a different world? Or life? Or dimension? Because I get scared when I feel ok about things. I know that probably doesn't make any sense... but it's scary when things feel somewhat manageable because it's easier to say fuck it to everything. But then there are some people, and instances, that help you learn a lot. Like all of the silly things I feel so uncomfortable doing; going into stores, talking about certain things, painting, laughing a lot, being afraid, having crazy ideas, working out, getting ready for the night, and many more... simply being unsure of myself, but having no feelings of judgments or anything less than love and friendship and acceptance. It's always surprising, but it's the most wonderful thing that I can't even begin to express my gratitude for. They're all things I think of everyday, and want you to know.
This is what I know, who I love and who loves me - and what that means, and not knowing but that being ok, too. Even when it sucks and is scary and frustrating and when things feel fucked up and everyone seems gross and selfish, but then there's always something to bring things back to this oddly nice state of just being, all messed up and confused, but together. Thanks

blahblahblahblahblahblahbalhblahblah

2010-02-16T23:46:00.000-08:00

I am afraid of not saying the right thing, or not looking cute enough.
I'm scared of the school work I have on my plate, and of how much food that I eat.
I'm afraid of people and the relationships I build and the way I act and the things I feel and the way I want to not know anyone.
I want to go back to your big bed with those hundreds of blankets and not know how much snow was outside from being too preoccupied with how nice it felt to just be, and hide, and listen to that wonderful music and see who could reach higher. I know you remember, and I lately can't seem to forget.
I am afraid of how I don't know how to tell someone how I've been for the past 7 weeks, and how it hasn't changed.
I'm afraid of how much I worry about things, and how I know I shouldn't.
Let's go or let go or go or nooooo this isn't getting my work done and it's not making me feel any better and I'm sorry for being such a butt and being like this.
blahblahblahblahblahblahbalhblahblah
bear with me? I have no idea where I'm going. Or if I will ever be able to stop being afraid of it.
I'm scared and scared and scared. I'm scared of spring break. I'm scared of summer. I'm terrified of what will be after. So........
I feel like I'm wasting time. Probably because I am. I'm sorry sorry sorry

2010-02-15T11:42:00.000-08:00

i like it

2010-02-11T00:54:00.000-08:00

In real life the edges of the earth are pitch dark

and the sky is blotched with grey white bursts of fluff
but it really isn't anything it's just white nothing.
Even white it isn't
Making it what we wish to make,
walking where we want.
But, we're lined

yeah! yeah! yeh!

2010-02-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

2010-02-07T14:33:00.000-08:00

OK, TIME TO RUN AWAY NOW.
I MEAN REALLY, LET'S GO.

baby baby baby.

2010-02-04T01:48:00.000-08:00

they say learning to love yourself is the first step that you take when you want to be real.

flying on planes to exotic locations won't teach you how you really feel...
i was lost, and i'm still lost.
the hardest part is inside me. i need to just be.
I can't tell you how much my body tingles or my mind races. Flipping through and everything looks the same. My stomach turns and my heart races at the thought of choosing and voicing. Fear upon fear upon fear. I want control. I need it. I am thirsting.

What is in me and about me. Why do I love all of you, or think that I love all of you?
Do I even love? Or do I just thirst and need?
Day by day I fear that it is the latter. It makes me want to.....lose control.
I smile at the moon.
I clench my teeth when I say things like this, because of how certain I am of this and how uncertain of anything else I am. I am comfortable here, but I am crazy here.
So, to just be? Hm.
I do not want to show any of you this. I don't want to, but of course part of me does because I am. I see it as all of this being stored in my gut, and I just want to cut it all off. Then grow a few inches taller. Then know what looks cute and who's hot.
Living for weekends, diving into deep ends... holding onto each day just to hang with friends.
You're going to lose your soul you know.

i get up in the morning

to the beat of the drum
i get up to this feeling,
keeps me on the run.
i get up in the morning,
put my dreams away,
i get up, i get up, i get up again.

I like dancing with you all, that's true.

I like singing silly songs and lying around.
But every single day is different, yet exactly the same...?
This is a lot.

i know it's all right here but,

2010-01-31T15:22:00.000-08:00

i miss the days when my head was so quiet i worried about why i wasn't thinking so much
i miss hearing the voice within me, and knowing how to communicate with it whenever i wanted
i miss feeling rested and stretched
i miss having energy and feeling real
why do we fall into compromising ourselves? who is it for? what good does it do anyone?
i miss reading and learning, and paying attention in class
i miss my family and my house, and having good things to tell my mother
i miss yoga and riding my bike and sitting by the river
i miss reflections and closing my eyes
some days i even miss you
and i miss breathing.

lets have some fun

2010-01-29T14:53:00.001-08:00

i feel like i'm back to where i was when i had fun
when i was a lot younger than now
when i was silly and wild and not too worried
just wild

TEA TIME

just as the catepillar

2010-01-27T23:50:00.000-08:00

but everything.

wait, what?

what IS it all? what is this? what are we and who are we and what are these thoughts? tell me tell me tell me. give me the answer or the cheat sheet or the hint. tell me what's up and what's going on? not that i'm freaking out because i'm really now, but i'm curious!!! I'm so darn curious just like you are!!! i know you are, so don't even deny it.
i don't know how i'm going to this or that, or how you do what you do or how i am who i am or how we don't know who we are.

curiouser and curiouser.

i could eat a hundred crackers and be certain of how good they taste, but talking to you over a full healthy meal with eyes so intact and hands so cold then hot then confused then sure... then a book with 94 pages to read in four hours from this moment?

and who am i saying all of these thoughts with voices trailing off in the backround
watching things and feeling things thinking about time and how much has gone past and how afraid we are of the next second to happen. cuddle up together and don't say anything

what is this?

2010-01-25T12:50:00.000-08:00

I want to write something differeeennnnnt...
la la la
like if I could just paint a blog!!! Oh paint

I want to walk barefooted on white sand with a friend or a couple of them

I want to leave without telling anyone, we'll just...go.
I want to not worry, but care. I don't want to not care anymore

I want to drive with all of you in the car, no destination except ahead

music playing and playing and our voices singing as loud or as quiet as we wish
snacking and laughing and our backpacks full of STUFF

I want to lay down for sooooo long and just talk
I want to find something none of us have ever seen

I want to take so many pictures of everything and anything
and just keep going
I don't want to come back
I want to leave and always be leaving

hear the words

2010-01-23T02:40:00.000-08:00

someone was sitting on a stool still as can be staring off into space with his crooked hand wrapped around a cream colored coffee cup his mind was far off his gaze was solid and unmovable he fell back into a field of grass underneath a cold winter sky the grass was yellow and brown and his eyes were just open not wide not hardly but just open as was he open to the sky open to the grass and the sounds so he began to sing and he sang for quite a while his frail twisted body felt empty and full at the same time his normal aches were gone his head felt very full and his vision quite tainted but there was no difference from tainted and clear there just wasn't any difference. now, shoe laces are tied tight hair is pulled back clothes are on just right beauty queens in a window sitting on stools and all the while so many pairs of legs are strutting along through the night open your hand and take this clay mold it and fold it just as you wish just to your convenience because clay can be so fun to play with and you can set it down when you've had enough and pick it right up again you know? so as the rain was falling the sky opened up the clouds became oceans and the gray turned into cement and as gravity left us we were all stuck on the ceiling of the universe not knowing where to go or how to get there and it was difficult to hold on to each other and floating made each body feel light and nothing seemed to matter and then when the dream ended the stool was occupied by a girl but five people were pointing and laughing and it didn't feel good but it was felt and is that all it ever is? feeling? every single day every moment every breath just another feeling or lack thereof but that seems to be what makes the beach swam in and the kite flown and the heart broken and the friend called and the long walk through the night and the bad dreams and the sad thoughts and the new puppy in the spring time and the tension between gazes or grazes of arms and the fury that builds up and rushes through veins blue as ice and red as fire feel the hands grasping so tightly on your shoulders see the eyes gazing into yours hear the voice hear the words.
i am not playing games.

trying to tie my shoes

2010-01-20T03:36:00.000-08:00

everyday brings more craziness
i feel like i am sitting here again, cross legged and dry
wide eyed shaking stiff craze
and yet this time the sky was more full of nothing than i've ever seen
and my body was made of rubber full of gloop or water or something
my mouth kept opening to whoever was in front of me i told them how crazy i really was
my feet weren't touching the ground really,
my head was full of nothing but pressure
i couldn't find my heart beat
the only thing inside was asking me to run
but here i am

deepest

2010-01-18T13:00:00.000-08:00

my body is evaporating

"I'm saving all i'm not giving
But it's overflowing, evaporating in the air
As i'm walking, i know i'm not breathing, i'm not breathing only air
It's filled with words once spoken by people everywhere
And i can hear all the whispers that have lived a thousand years
It just took me being open for them to reach my eager ears
Now they've reached my eager ears
And i hope i'll be ready
When my light, when my life divides"

Stillness today, and wind

2010-01-15T23:02:00.000-08:00

hello you.
i am in a haunted roooom.
this is a drastic change in my life.
i'm doing something, once again.
i'm doing like, hard work.

this is real.
going swimming in about 5 minutes,
meet you out there?

sorry, love you.

2010-01-13T17:01:00.000-08:00

i just don't know i don't understand this.
i could write in here forever just spewing random phrases that make sense in my head and do nothing for anyone, wasting time as always. but i can't spend a half hour writing an english paper, or even starting it.
i want to feel cut out for this, or just cut out.
i want to go insane and clench my teeth and fists and be mad at everyone.
rawr

see her when she walks...

2010-01-08T14:50:00.000-08:00

HEAR HER WHEN SHE TALKS
what is it when you spend 3 hours with carlo starting at 4 every single day for 5 days?
music with my roomie. banging on walls. waiting for calls waiting for calls.
yellow lighter calling your name hey hey hey what kind of silly little kibbles and bits are you trying to bite on giiiiirl?
well rawr looking as cute as can be just so you wont mind hanging around me or me hanging around is that right thats right. thats right :)
i got pregnant with birds that sing so much prettier than you, anyways
hehe
just a little tease

comfort food?

2010-01-06T05:55:00.000-08:00

ducking and diving
is anything real when everyone is feeling something different
when it does hit the fan
and everyones looking every which way
and walking always
anything and everything stuck to the soles
of your shoes

fresh feeling!

2010-01-04T10:30:00.001-08:00

happy times are the best

from now on

2010-01-01T13:41:00.000-08:00

everything is a surprise!

2010-01-01T01:56:00.001-08:00

a new year for a new mind

brittle bones

2009-12-30T11:49:00.000-08:00

merry christmas

2009-12-25T21:46:00.001-08:00

everything is weird

they're singin deck the halls

2009-12-24T23:21:00.001-08:00

enigmas

2009-12-23T12:05:00.000-08:00

asking the mind where it;s been
while air settles on skin

or glides along teasing every nerve
within an instant your brain could burst
twist and turn
i will put my feet on the ceiling
head bowed knees kneeling
you remind me of a girl that i once knew
who are you? explain here
An enigma is a statement whose meaning is hidden under obscure or ambiguous allusions, so that we can only guess at it's significance.

:)

2009-12-16T16:04:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder what in God's name did I do to deserve you
Oh, to deserve you
Cause I just rolled and I tumbled, down a long road, I stumbled
While shooting in the dark as to what's best
And finally, I found you
Without ever learning how to
I put the right foot in front of the left
And beyond that is anybody's guess

love

2009-12-14T21:59:00.001-08:00

rawr rwa rawar araw rarw rawr rawr rawrrwar arawaraw rawr rawr

2009-12-13T01:12:00.000-08:00

i am not magic yet
but i am in love at the end of the world

2009-12-08T09:56:00.000-08:00

its footprints make new paths

no one has seen what it sees
or feels what its feeling
if it turned its mind, angled it slightly different,
it might recognize
footprints alongside
different, but near
worrying about it, in many ways
knowing more than it can imagine
about itself

JUST LOOK

but always ever-changing

2009-12-05T22:41:00.000-08:00

oh ,

sometimes it all feels so good

sometimes it all hurts really bad
sometimes you don't know how it feels
sometimes you shake
sometimes you melt

2009-11-30T00:23:00.000-08:00

And the seasons
Will change us new
Be the best I've known
and you know me

Soil and six feet under
Killed just like we were
Before you knew you'd know me
And you know me

And the fog of what is right
Won't cover us cause you know me

breathe

2009-11-24T17:49:00.000-08:00

silly thoughts

2009-11-22T04:14:00.000-08:00

there isn't much order in order to convey what matters here.
beginning with the room. clean and open, everything orderly and neat, all in place.
walking around and what is a body but particles the soul is confusing where does it live where does it breathe
two dirty towels hanging from plastic hooks on the door
i can see my own face in the towels. i feel like the empty hook on the right is my place.
you are not running but your mind is racing your fingers don't stop they keep typing away
you are begging begging begging your soul to just release something and connect with anything
what is there to connect with
deep in books filling your mind with ideas and dialogue and imagery and sensations
walking past humans youre so much more conscious of all of the things that the other person is conscious of about themselves not really about you
your body is hollow what is this skin that you are living in
you feel slightly left of center
not quite sane
not quite human
but the sun rises every single day
and you rise with the sun every single day
but at night things seem harder you feel farther away
but you feel better because you feel like you're allowed to be
during the day you're aching in weird ways
but it's okay, baby it's okay
you have absolutely no idea what to do
or where to go
or how to start
your eyes are slightly tired
but there is no intention of sleep anymore
sleep is foreign
notes upon notes
engraving information into your brain
you do your best and feel that it is the biggest struggle
test me on my feelings
or feelings of those around me!
you don't really tell anyone that
but you wish it could be the case
it's always been hard to remember the things you're supposed to learn.
you feel silly
like, what on earth are you doing
who are you talking to?
honestly i know that you are just trying to reach inside of you
and pull anything out that you can
and just release it into the air
not to erase it
but to let it breathe

uncomfortable pauses between famous last words

2009-11-21T13:14:00.000-08:00

the closer i get
the more confused i become

what am i doing
what on earth

it feels like a wheel
and i'm a rodent

very
interesting

I AM GOING CRAZY TODAY.
i am feeling miserable.
enough to tell a stranger

but why?
i'm sick of not knowing

our paths crossing

2009-11-20T10:11:00.000-08:00

well i thought this was really cute,

Here Comes The Sun from jim chandler on Vimeo.

if i'm laughing while you're talking or just smiling for no reason it's because i admire the silliest things in people so much, haha

it has been such an adventure so far
everything is bittersweet to me.
i keep being surprised by people and it's making me see that everyone is someone,
and i need to stop waiting to be surprised to see that

2009-11-19T05:23:00.000-08:00

The story’s always the same

Got lonesome fuel for fire

artificial humming

2009-11-18T08:18:00.000-08:00

each day the time spent grows

wrapped under a blanket
hidden in a cave
it makes the days seemingly less valuable
but heavy eyes do the trick
my expectations fuck me over
and then my inclination
is to do it again

red beaten down bricks with weeds growing in the cracks
a scratched up screen door and a clean warm house
decorated for the holidays
cozy with the scent of thanksgiving filling each corner
breaks don't do the trick
there is a problem here
with responsibility

cant keep hiding under the leaves
they've most been blown away
and as we saw the pine needles are losing their color

silly silly silly

go chase the sky

2009-11-17T00:10:00.000-08:00

comet tempel-tuttle is coming for a visit
jumping out of mars
leonids will burst out of leo
the sky will rage
i dreamt of this two nights ago

lets not turn into robots

2009-11-16T15:21:00.000-08:00

lets keep searching

for a moment. this moment is all

2009-11-15T23:45:00.000-08:00

i am far away

in an overwhelming state

2009-11-12T13:01:00.001-08:00

unconditional love

2009-11-11T08:59:00.001-08:00

You are so young; you stand before beginnings. I would like to beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can, to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
-Rainer Maria Rilke

this is for you, you you you the one reading

2009-11-09T22:33:00.001-08:00

i can't imagine not loving.
my heart is just going to burst! i swear!!! it keeps filling up so much and i just could squeal and scream and squeeze my eyes shut and throw my arms up in the air. you know what i'm talking about! :)

i love you, i hope you know. i hope you know that especially now i will do my best to show that i love you, and show that i love myself and this beautiful, wonderful earth that we are on.

i love this adventure. this incredible adventure. each of us are on our own, but they are all adventures and they are all roller-coasters in the same huge amusement park... our universe, ahhh <3

THANK YOU ALL for being a part of all of this beautiful love and life and light

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

dear friend,

2009-11-08T19:37:00.001-08:00

i love Y O U

2009-11-04T21:53:00.000-08:00

words can not